I lost myself in loving you.

An Un-Love Letter:

 

 

Dear J,

I’m sure I sound 39 different kinds of crazy but, that’s what love does to you, especially when you’re the one that cares more. Then you’re on a whole other level of crazy, but I’m okay with it. Being put on read (..delivered since you can’t even open my messages) when 3 days ago you were asking me to come visit and telling me you loved me is a punch in the gut.

I have never felt this way about someone. I wanted you so bad. Oh god, I was in it for the long haul. HELL I would have married you. No questions asked. I wanted the darkest parts of you. Everything. I would have dropped my whole life here & gone anywhere with you, if you asked.  I gave you too much power over me. This is me taking it back.

I can’t play your game anymore. I can’t run towards a toxic relationship. I won’t. I will never understand how you can tell me you love me & then ignore me for months until one day I’m in tears and decide to call & you finally decide to answer. I can’t sit & wait for you to decide you’re bored and want me again because you know that I’m just stupidly still here. Was talking for 2 days in a row too much for you?? But not too much to still check my Snapchat stories.

I feel like you get me but, maybe I still don’t get you…? I could sit here for hours thinking of scenarios and “what ifs”but, I’m not going to sit here and try to rationalize your actions. Quite frankly, I want to know why but, I know I’ll never know.  I’ve come to expect you to always leave, make me happy to only leave me in crippling sadness. 🙂  What I never expected was for me not being in your life, to not affect you at all… If I hadn’t texted you in my upset state, we probably would still be not talking…it scares me for how long. You’re never going to find someone who loves you as much as me. I bet you’ll look for me in every girl you meet. Find someone who enjoys you in brief short moments since that’s all you can give. It’s okay though. I’ll find myself again & I’ll be so happy  that it radiants around me and it will blind you.

Now I don’t expect to talk 16/7. I just expect you to give a shit & show it. If my absence doesn’t matter, neither does my presence.   I would love to think that one day you’ll be ready for me & you’ll come running to me just like I’ve dreamt about so many times before but, I won’t be there. I’ll be living my life and happy and whole. You’ll finally have a taste of your own medicine. You’ll finally feel everything you put me through.  Please let me know how it feels. I’m distancing myself from you with teary eyes & a heavy heart, I have to say goodbye.  Maybe in another life, we can give us a real chance. I think I’ll always love you. But, I can’t be your little toy that you only bring out when you have nothing else to entertain you.

While you’re unbothered, still complaining about your hometown. I’ll be off living a wonderful life. 🙂  I only ever wanted what’s best for you. I am & you lost that.

There is always a song sung by someone who captures how you feel perfectly, I made  playlist about how I feel. – Listen to me

Now all that’s left is the ghost of me and I’ll haunt you forever.

 

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