…and I’m not going to treat you like one.
It’s no secret that I struggle with anxiety and depression and the ghosts of my past that make every day a struggle…especially when things get tough. Somewhere along the way, I picked up the nasty habit of self harming. 😦 And I got into an argument with someone close to me about it.
While everyone is different, I’ve just found it really exhausting to be with someone that a)can’t relate to someone who has mental illnesses and b) doesn’t have any ghosts of their own. I just can’t… Yes naturally with mental illness, your head is a very dark place. And we are gonna butt heads a lot if you can’t truly understand that.
Fast forward to the argument, it was a partner and we were having an argument and I was just having a really Bad Day. Idk why..just nasty mood. Kept trying to leave, he wouldn’t let me. Wanted to keep arguing. It got so bad for me that I was literally cutting my thigh under the table…. fun stuff. Like I said, you have to be in a really dark place to self harm…and he goes “I’m not going to support stupid shit. You just want attention”……the most insensitive thing I’ve ever heard…
And I’m sure more people think that self harming yourself is for attention…and in a way they’re kinda right. But…not in the way they think. Yes it’s for attention but not really in the same way. Like at least to me..it’s more of like a cry for help? Like I don’t expect you to stop me but to know that it’s time to put the weapons down and know that I’m hurting way more than I’m letting on… Actions speak louder than words. It’s a form of release. like there’s so much going on in my head, I need to get it out but can’t communicate.
PLEASE don’t get me wrong! I am NOT condoning self harm or making excuses. It is what it is and it’s a horrible form of coping.
The hardest lesson I’ve had to learn,
Everyone has their own demons to fight. And when you finally feel like you can open to someone, doesn’t mean they’ll react how you want. I’ve come across that my demons are too much for people to understand and they thus don’t know how to deal with me & don’t. I can’t blame them, try living with these demons…. but I do at the same time because, you asked me to open up to you & I did and you made me regret it…. and you wonder why I have trust issues.
I wear my demons like a badge of honor on my chest because despite it all, I’m making it. I’m alive and well (most days 😉 and if you can’t handle all of us, then you don’t deserve any of me.