Let me just start by saying why I’ve decided to start this series. My biological mom passed away 4 years ago this month, the loss of her has turned my entire life around. Up until last month, I’ve repressed every emotion I’ve had towards thinking about her. Writing is the one thing we’ve always shared so I thought this would be good way to honor that. 🙂
I am so sorry it’s taken me so long to start this conversation with you. I don’t know where to start. I spent so many years feeling guilty for grieving. How do you grieve the woman that gave you life & hardly knew? You would think it’s easier to grieve but it still really f*cks you up.
It’s taken me a really long time to stop being mad at you for leaving without saying goodbye. I’ll never fully understand why you left like that. How could you just leave your three children without as much a simple letter if you knew your time was limited? Why didn’t you want to give some type of closure?
I’m not mad anymore.I don’t hate you. That could not be further from the truth. Looking back on my childhood & the horrible things I said to you….it kills me to this day. If I knew I was being brainwashed then, I would have stopped it & I’m terribly sorry that I didn’t.
My memories of you are so far & few that I’m beginning to wonder if they are even real or just stories I’ve memorized. I want need to feel close to you again. You were my rock & my go-to for any advice that I needed. It’s been really hard without you but, you & my dad (in your own strange way) raised me to be strong, so I’m trying. I am trying to live my best life for you for when you look down from above, I want you to be proud of me. I love you so much more than you ever knew. I can’t wait to catch you up on everything you’ve missed!